


The Draw

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x12 Coda, Angst, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unconditional Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 10:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18009398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: It broke Alec’s heart to hear those empty words. Magnus’ actions were meant to mollify him, and that hurt just as much as seeing in his eyes the undeniable ache inside.  “You’re not fine,” he whispered, shaking his head slightly. “Please…please don’t shut me out now, Magnus. I know that you’re trying to protect me by shielding me from your pain but this is worse.”For a moment, Magnus just looked at him with an unreadable expression. He was wearing the mask he’d been perfecting lately, and Alec hated it. “What do you want me to say?” he asked quietly.





	The Draw

As soon as Alec stepped through the return portal and back into the Institute, it was as if everything that had happened in Paris had stayed there. All that was on his mind now was making a beeline for his office, where Magnus was waiting for him.

Another emergency, another thought to be held for a later time. It was bound to happen when two prominent members of the Shadow World were in a relationship, but this stolen moment still felt unfinished, unresolved. They had just scratched the surface it seemed, and Alec didn’t want to let that moment pass them by.

He knocked twice on the door, then pushed it open just enough to slip through before closing it behind him. “Hey.”

“Is Clary all right?” Magnus asked, turning away from the fireplace and stuffing something into his pocket. A small tassel dangled out against the side of his hip and Alec knew immediately what it was.

“She’s fine,” he said, holding up a hand in a calming gesture. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Magnus waved him off, but pointedly slid his hand into his pocket, effectively moving his mala beads out of view. “Don’t be silly; it’s your office. Besides, you did knock.” Reaching up, Magnus carefully repositioned a piece of hair sticking out on Alec’s forehead. “I’m so glad you found her. Was Jonathan with her?”

“He was. It’s…complicated.”

Magnus clicked his tongue sympathetically. “There’s that furrowed brow.” Putting his hands on either side of Alec’s face, he brought him close and pressed a gentle kiss between his eyebrows to smooth the crease. “One problem at a time, hmm? You don’t need to be Atlas, with the entire universe balanced on your shoulders. No matter how strong they are.”

“Magnus…” Alec began, reaching up to take his hands and draw them down to their sides, fingers intertwined. “Before I got that fire message, we were talking about you. How you’re feeling.”

The performative smile on Magnus’ lips began to fall. “I’m fine, Alexander. And I agreed with you; the moments we share are most valuable when we savor them.”

It broke Alec’s heart to hear those empty words. Magnus’ actions were meant to mollify him, and that hurt just as much as seeing in his eyes the undeniable ache inside.  “You’re not fine,” he whispered, shaking his head slightly. “Please…please don’t shut me out now, Magnus. I know that you’re trying to protect me by shielding me from your pain but this is worse.”

For a moment, Magnus just looked at him with an unreadable expression. He was wearing the mask he’d been perfecting lately, and Alec hated it. “What do you want me to say?” he asked quietly.

“I want you to tell me the truth—to tell me what you’re really feeling. No matter what it is, it’s okay.”

“‘Okay,’” Magnus repeated with a bitter chuckle, taking a step back from Alec. “Nothing that I’m feeling is okay, Alec.”

“Then be angry. Just…be what you are.” Alec paused for a moment. “You never have to pretend how you feel with me. I meant it then and I mean it now.”

“I don’t want to rush through the time that I spend with you,” Magnus began, taking a measured inhale. “Every moment is just as precious as it’s always been. But now that those moments are numbered, I’m afraid that if I allow myself to sink too deeply into them, I’ll realize just how much I dread the end.”

“I can’t imagine how…terrifying it would be to be in your position,” Alec offered softly. He yearned to reach out to Magnus, to assure him that he was not alone, but something held him back. It seemed to do more harm than good most of the time, pushing him further away like two alike magnets—the closer he moved, the further apart it forced them. Tamping down his hesitation, Alec came up behind him close enough that their bodies were just shy of brushing against one another.

“Life is so fragile, Alexander, and so much of it exists by the rule of entropy. It’s a force that hardly anything can put a stop to. Despite everything that I had gone through, I used to be able to comfort myself with the knowledge that I had choices. There were decisions I could make and action I could take that could bend the rules. Now I’m just as susceptible to it as anyone else, and you can’t know what that’s like.”

“You’re right,” Alec agreed, gently gripping the back of Magnus’ arm. “I don’t know what that’s like. I think if I were in your place, though, I would feel the same.”

“I guess I’ve been…” Pausing to contemplate his word choice, Magnus’ eyebrows furrowed in concentration, “trying to outrun the feelings but they still manage to catch up. It doesn’t stop me from trying, though, because if I don’t, I know that I’m going to drown in all of this pain.” Swallowing audibly, he turned to face him once more. “But if love were enough, this battle would be easily won; a number of decades I could count on one hand would be enough. It’s just not that simple.”

To Alec’s surprise, he felt his eyelashes suddenly become heavy and thick with unshed tears, and when he tried to blink them away, it had the opposite effect. One rolled slowly down his cheek and hung off the edge of his chin, which he quickly wiped away. “I’ll always love you. No matter what you feel like on the inside. You are and always will be the man that I love and nothing can change that.”

“I love you too.” The smile he offered was small and sad, but it was genuine. And that meant something.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


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